Undocumented Space Aliens Seek Path to Earthly Citizenship
Visitors insist they’ve lived here for 5,000 years, contributed to human civilization and have no intention of returning to a planet 40 light-years away.
SEDONA, Arizona — The immigration debate took an unexpected turn this week when approximately 37 undocumented space aliens landed outside Sedona, were stopped by ICE agents.
The extraterrestrials, who claim their ancestors have been visiting Earth for thousands of years, insist they should no longer be classified merely as extraterrestrial visitors.
“We’ve been here longer than most of you,” their spokesman reportedly communicated telepathically, with the authorities. “It’s time we became earthly citizens.”
Federal officials immediately requested documentation.
The aliens had none.
“Planet of origin, three spokesaliens were asked.?”
“Zeta Reticuli.”
“Passport?”
“We traveled 39 light-years through an interdimensional portal.”
“So, no passport?”
“Correct.”
“Visa?”
Long silence.
“What is visa?”
And just like that, humanity faced its first extraterrestrial immigration crisis.
The visitors maintain that generations of their families have quietly observed human civilization since antiquity, occasionally checking in on pyramids, wars, nuclear weapons and, apparently, Sedona.
Asked why Sedona has attracted so many reported UFO sightings over the years, the spokesman seemed surprised anyone needed to ask.
“Have you seen the Red Rocks?”
Apparently, extraterrestrials appreciate a good view.
The group says it has no intention of returning home, citing the length of the commute, deteriorating planetary conditions at home and Earth’s comparatively pleasant winters.
Several have already expressed interest in purchasing property in West Sedona.
Local real estate agents are reportedly preparing listings featuring vortex views, oversized garages and adequate parking for interstellar spacecraft.
One alien objected to Sedona housing prices.
“We crossed the galaxy,” he reportedly said, “But $1.3 million for a two-bedroom?”
“That’s insane.”
Welcome to Sedona.
The newcomers have also requested permission to continue operating several unidentified flying objects reportedly stationed throughout the Verde Valley.
City officials are said to be considering whether UFOs constitute aircraft, recreational vehicles or short-term rentals.
The Planning and Zoning Commission has scheduled a seven-hour meeting.
Meanwhile, the extraterrestrials insist they have contributed substantially to human civilization.
They claim familiarity with advanced mathematics, astronomy, nuclear physics and technologies thousands of years ahead of anything presently available on Earth.
Asked whether they would share those technologies with humanity, their spokesman hesitated.
“We’ve been monitoring your internet.”
“And?”
“You aren’t ready.”
Fair enough.
The greatest controversy, however, concerns their immigration status.
Can someone be an illegal alien when he is, quite literally, an alien?
Does earthly immigration law extend beyond Earth’s atmosphere?
Can extraterrestrials apply for asylum?
And if they have been quietly living here for several thousand years, haven’t they already satisfied some reasonable residency requirement?
A Sedons.biz reporter finally asked the question everyone wanted answered:
“Why Earth?”
The alien looked toward Sedona’s glowing Red Rocks.
“Oceans. Mountains. Trees. Wonderful sunsets.”
He paused.
“And apparently you people possess something called Italian food.”
Someone handed him a mushroom Swiss burger from Judi’s.
“Heaven on a bun,” exclaimed one alien after taking his first bite.
Diplomatic relations improved immediately.
The aliens have reportedly scheduled their citizenship hearings for when the new City Council takes over.
Until then, they say they will remain in Sedona, observe humanity and continue preventing us from doing anything catastrophically stupid with nuclear weapons.
“Earth is our resort,” one alien made clear. “We will never allow a thermonuclear event mess with it.”
Asked whether humanity should be concerned about extraterrestrials secretly living among us, the spokesman offered one final telepathic message:
“Don’t worry,” it said with two fingers crossed behind its back.
“We come in peace.”