What I Wish I Had Done Differently in My Marriage and Relationship

By John Tamiazzo, PhD
(November 30, 2018)

Relationship Reporter for the Huffington Post, Kelsey Borresen, put together a list of regrets from divorced women, who wished they had done things differently in their marriages and intimate relationships.

I wish I would have asked for help when I needed it.

I wish I had communicated my feelings.

I wish I had worked on myself more before I got married.

I wish I’d had a better sense of my own identity and self-worth and been wiser to confront loneliness before joining a partnership.

I wish I’d waited longer before marriage to enter it from a place of strength and abundance rather than fear and loss.

I wish I had the courage to end things sooner. My regret is that I allowed a bad situation to go on too long.

I wish I’d realized that being a wife wasn’t the only thing that defined me.

I wish I had taken responsibility instead of pointing fingers.  I can’t depend on someone else to make me feel happy and fulfilled.

I wish I understood that the stages of marriage can be cyclical, and blame has no place in a relationship. 

I wish I had stood up for myself more in my first marriage.  

I wish I had fought for myself harder before the real problems began.

I wish I had learned how to speak his love language. We both feel and show love in very different ways, which is something I didn’t recognize at the time.

I wish I had maintained my sense of independence. 

I wish I made myself more of a priority.

It has been said that hindsight is 20/20. We can look back at dozens of things we wish we had done differently or not done at all. But the important thing is what we do now with the time that is given to us; to move ahead with hope, love, courage, wisdom, inner strength, self-respect, self-awareness, and living our truth.

Letting go is learning what you can do now, how you can change, and what direction you can take now; to trust in your ability to make things delightfully and healthily different. In letting go you are courageously accepting the responsibility of breaking the unhealthy patterns of love and loving you learned long ago; before your marriage and intimate relationships. The regrets and wishes described above were, most likely, learned at home from the first teachers of love, mom and dad. This is not to blame them, but to simply uncover what we learned and what we didn’t learn about love and loving. Self-awareness and self-acceptance are essential to loving and being loved.

Right now you have the opportunity to love yourself in all your glory, to do the things that put a smile on your face, to not let the ‘wish I hads’ get the best of you, to keep your heart open, and to let your inner light shine as you continue on your path to finding love again.

Musician Bob Marley wrote, “I believe you will find someone who can completely turn your world around. They will show you the things about yourself that make you special and beautiful. In opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.”

Dr. John Tamiazzo is the author of Love & be Loved: Eight Steps to Creating Intimacy and Finding the Love You Want. He is also the author of Returning to the Land of Oz: Finding Hope, Love, and Courage on Your Yellow Brick Road. Visit his website: www.johntamiazzo.com to find out more about his Counseling and Consulting work.