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    Sedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde ValleySedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde Valley
    Home » Opt for Openness
    Sedona

    Opt for Openness

    January 3, 20141 Comment
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    By Dr. Marta Adelsman
    Life Coach in Communication and Consciousness
    www.DrMartaCoach.com
    (January 3, 2014)

    My training and coaching has led me to believe that I’m a pretty good listener.  So imagine my chagrin when, in a recent phone conversation in which a friend shared a personal struggle, she gave me feedback that I hadn’t been listening very well.  I had two separate inner reactions: 1) intense resistance to the idea that I hadn’t listened well, and 2) surprise that she would be so bold as to say so! 

    I’m sure you’re familiar with that defensive feeling that arises suddenly like hot lava from somewhere deep inside.  As soon as I felt it, my mind began to search for ways to get rid of it.  The ego felt embarrassed and desperately wanted to look good.  So it scrambled for something to say that would manipulate my friend into seeing me differently and changing her opinion.

    In the midst of these swirling thoughts and emotions, I realized I had a choice.  I could respond out of the defensive feelings, risking an argument.  Or I could stay open.

    I felt the inner struggle release as I quietly uttered, “Tell me more.”  With these three little words, I had chosen openness. Instead of trying to get away from the pain of what my friend had said, these words moved me toward it. They defied the egoic belief that she shouldn’t be holding this opinion of me. 

    The point, I realized, wasn’t to get rid of my discomfort, but to experience it as fully as I could. Openness doesn’t set itself against anything.  Whatever happens within its space (embarrassment, chagrin, etc.) is okay.

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    Dropping defensiveness resolves tension quickly.  Remaining receptive to feedback from others instead of hardening against it causes you to soften and relax.  It opens a space between you in which fresh and creative responses become possible. 

    “Tell me more” disarms others. Unhampered by your ego, they see the content of their own mind and heart reflected back to them. This opens the way for them to realize creative solutions for their dilemmas.

    Instead of telling me more about how I had not listened, my friend spoke more deeply about her own struggles.  This led her to an “aha!” realization, resulting in a solution that served her. 

    After hanging up the phone, I realized that this very satisfying conversation would not have occurred if I had reacted out of my defensiveness and my desire to look good. The embarrassment had completely left. 

    All I felt was deep gratitude.

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    1 Comment

    1. Pat Berry on January 8, 2014 12:08 pm

      What a beautiful way to handle a situation with a friend that could have had a totally different outcome!


    Analyzing City’s Legal Right to
    Ban OHVs on Public Roads

    By Tommy Acosta
    Mea Culpa! Mea Culpa! Mea Maxima Culpa! I screwed up. Blew it. Totally made a fool of myself. Missed the boat. I am talking about my editorial on the OHV fight, No Legal Traction on OHVs. I assumed that it was ADOT that would make a decision on whether the city could legally ban off road vehicles from our public roads like S.R. 89A and S.R. 179. Man was I off. ADOT has nothing to do with allowing or disallowing the city to do so. ADOT’s response to me when I asked them to clarify their position, was curt and to the point. “ADOT designs, builds and maintains the state highway system,” I was told. “It is not our place to offer an opinion on how state law might apply in this matter.” It was a totally “duh” moment for me when I realized that that the decision or judgement on the OHV ordinance, would involve the state and not ADOT. Chagrinned I stand. The crux of the matter then is whether the city can effectively use a number of standing state laws that can be interpreted to determine whether the city can legally ban the vehicles or not. Read more→
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