Sedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde ValleySedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde Valley
    Sedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde Valley Sedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde Valley
    • Home
    • Sedona News
    • Business Profiles
    • Opinion
    • Mind & Body
    • Arts
    • Elections
    • Gift Shop
    • Contact
    • Cart
    Sedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde ValleySedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde Valley
    Home » “I” Versus “You”
    Sedona

    “I” Versus “You”

    May 23, 2014No Comments
    Facebook Twitter Pinterest LinkedIn Email Reddit WhatsApp
    Share
    Facebook Twitter LinkedIn Pinterest Email Reddit WhatsApp

    By Dr. Marta Adelsman
    Life Coach in Communication and Consciousness
    www.DrMartaCoach.com
    (May 23, 2014)

    photo_martaadelsmanBy the time we get to our 50s and beyond, we’ve put a lot of years into practicing communication habits that don’t serve us.  The longer we practice these habits, the more ingrained they become.  I indulged in one the other day.

    “You’re not paying enough attention to me!” I said to my husband, Steve.  “You seem pre-occupied with getting ready for the tour you’re leading to Japan; you’re always somewhere else in your mind.  I’d like you to spend at least a little quality time with me before you go!”

    Silence fell.  Then I heard his soft voice reply, “It’s hard for me to be present to you when I feel attacked.”

    Defensiveness began to arise in me as I searched for a retort that would prove him wrong and make me right.  When I thought I heard a little voice inside tell me to pay attention to what Steve had just said, I took a closer look. I saw then that my communication had been accusatory.

    “Okay,” I said.  “Let me take another run at it.  When I perceive that you’re preoccupied with your trip, I feel lonely and I miss you.  I really want to feel a connection with you, and when it’s not there, I feel sad.”

    Sedona Gift Shop

    Sedona Gift Shop

    Steve then told me that he could accept what I said that time because I spoke the truth about myself instead of my perceptions about him.  This conversation reminded me that “I-messages” communicate much more effectively than “you-messages.”  They contain no blame, so they prevent others from feeling accused and getting defensive.

    Speaking what is going on for you builds a bridge in the conversation.  It creates trust in the relationship and invites a like response from your conversation partner. 

    When using I-messages, it’s important to avoid hidden you-messages.  For example, “When you ask me over and over to get the taxes done, I feel badgered.”  On the surface this looks like an I-message.  In reality, it’s a you-message because the other person can interpret it to mean “You’re badgering me!”  Instead, you can say, “When you ask me over and over to do the taxes, I feel defensive,” or “I feel frustrated.”

    If you are undoing years of using you-messages, be patient with yourself.  As you practice I-messages, you will likely notice that the drama between you and others decreases.  You will be able to handle communication upsets in minutes rather than hours or days.  That’s great news!

    You owe it to yourself and to your relationships.

    Comments are closed.

    War
    War
    By Tommy Acosta
    War…What is it good for? Obviously, it is good for those who profit from destruction and the taking of human life. And what is the common denominator, the impetus for war throughout the centuries? It’s about the acquisition of land, by force, deceit or any other means possible. During the holidays I went to a party where this retired couple were recounting a land dispute they were having with their neighbor. It seems their neighbor was claiming an extra six feet on their property line and the animosity had grown so strong that they were now in court trying to settle whose six feet of land it was. Prior to the dispute they had been friendly but now they had become arch enemies, all for a tiny piece of land. Read more→
    Recent Comments
    • floyd gardner on War
    • Nancy on Falling
    • kathy Partch on Falling
    • Mary Ann Wolf on War
    • Johnny B. on War
    Check out the Tlaquepaque Magazine
    Categories
    © 2023 All rights reserved. Sedona.biz.

    Type above and press Enter to search. Press Esc to cancel.