By Dr. Marta Adelsman
Life Coach in Communication and Consciousness
(July 10, 2019)
Thomas, a young man I know in Chicago, got himself into trouble. Talking with work colleagues one day, he joined in bad-mouthing their boss. Someone among the group ratted to the boss about what Thomas had said. The boss talked with Thomas – and fired him!
In a conversation I had with Thomas, he identified how “chameleon” behavior has been a pattern for him. As you may know, chameleons change their color to fit in with their background. Thomas so wanted to fit in with and be accepted by the group that he blended himself into its tone and behavior. In doing so, he abandoned his own authenticity.
Thomas saw how most gossip comes from insecurity and self-doubt. Gossipers feel unsure about their acceptance in the group. Therefore, they participate in the gossip, creating a false sense of belonging.
Thomas found out how false that feeling of belonging can be. Joining in the gossip left him vulnerable to the back-biting of someone in the group who masqueraded as his friend. Yet this person used Thomas’s behavior against him.
Gossip complicates relationships. It reveals more about the person engaging in it than it does about the one being gossiped about. It lowers the image of gossipers in the eyes of their fellows. People in the gossiping group can never fully trust each other, because they know that these people are capable of gossiping about them.
When you talk with someone about what another person needs to hear, you dilute any felt need to deliver the message to the person who will benefit from it. If you see something in another that needs improving, doesn’t it make sense to talk directly with the person? When you do so kindly, your criticism becomes constructive.
Gossip is so insidious! On the surface it can appear harmless, yet it presents a treacherous, slippery slope for relationships.
Avoid saying anything about others that would embarrass you to have them hear. You might say, “But if I refuse to participate in the gossip, people will think I’m weird! They’ll start gossiping about me!” Yes, they may. Take the following action anyway:
Announce to your friends how uncomfortable you feel talking negatively about other people. Tell them, from now on, you intend to avoid doing so. Let them know you do not judge them.
Even if your friends take it personally at first, they will feel secure, knowing you will not talk negatively about them. They will respect you. This respect provides a solid basis for friendship and belonging.
Resolve only to talk about others in expressions of appreciation. You will thus stand out against a background of deception and backbiting. As a positive example, you can feel confident your words will not get back to someone and hurt them. Others will ultimately respect you.
Best of all, you will respect yourself.
Marta Adelsman, Psy.D.
Life Coach in Communication and Consciousness
928.451.9482
www.drmartasmusings.com (coming soon)
Author of Why Wallow When You Can Soar?