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    Home»Sedona News»When Does Love Begin?
    Sedona News

    When Does Love Begin?

    May 23, 20188 Comments
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    By Dr. Marta Adelsman
    Life Coach in Communication and Consciousness
    www.DrMartaCoach.com
    (May 23, 2018)

    photo_martaadelsmanWhen does love begin?  Did it begin for my husband and me with that first warm kiss on a cold Chicago evening?  Did it start in earnest when, 47 years ago, Steve pulled me into the laundry room of my apartment building to ask me to marry him?  

    Most love relationships go through a stage of infatuation, which is a set-up!  It lures us into partnership with one another so it can take us deeper into a sacred curriculum.  In 2016, Steve and I experienced an advanced course in that curriculum when Steve became critically ill.

    With two diagnoses, different medications, and conflicting information on the Internet—none of which seemed to make much difference in his health—I felt confused and helpless.  Steve lost weight, down to 130 pounds by the end of the year. His muscles and joints hurt so badly, he couldn’t bend his knees, so when he walked, he looked like a zombie-skeleton.  At times, we had to become creative about how to manage bathroom functions.

    He would lie in bed most of the time, not communicating much.  Where had my best friend gone? What thoughts and emotions inhabited his body-mind?  I didn’t know, and I felt so alone.

    Twice during the year, I felt sure I would lose him.  Anxiety and sadness accompanied me everywhere. Fear and dread climbed into bed with me many nights, keeping me awake, and sometimes shoving me out to pace the floor.  I experienced an up and down, yo-yo year of hope and despair.

    Then 2017 arrived, with a new doctor, a new diagnosis, and new meds. Steve began to feel better!  Gradually, he recovered, and by the end of the year, I had my husband back – a thinner version — but he was back!

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    We’re different now, more vulnerable and less defensive.  We more quickly confess truths that diffuse arguments, like, “The ego just wants to make me right and you wrong.” 

    When does love begin?  Love begins now, in the nitty-gritty of sharp-edged circumstances and emotions. Today is all we have.

    When our relationships walk through fire, it serves us to hold ourselves still within the flames. This sacred curriculum isn’t about book learning; it’s about staying present to the pain, allowing the fire to do its work and to burn up the ego. 

    Then, like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, we spread new wings.  We arise with new gifts to give each other – gifts like appreciation.  “Thank you for how you pay attention to fixing things around the house.”  “I appreciate how you listen to me without trying to fix me.”

    We arise from the ashes with gifts to live into the world.  Whether they’re big or little, when we give our gifts generously, we stop playing small.  Whatever the gifts — teaching, writing, inventing, speaking, or smiling at the Circle K clerk – when we share them, we become love.

    When does love begin?  Love begins today!

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    8 Comments

    1. Jeanie Carroll on May 28, 2018 9:32 am

      This was lovely to read. I am glad there was a happy ending.
      🙂
      Jeanie

      • Dr. Marta Adelsman on May 29, 2018 9:24 pm

        Thank you, Jeanie! (If I could find the heart emoji, I’d include it here!)

    2. Salvatore Tardio on May 28, 2018 1:40 pm

      I know your story well but from your husbands side. It’s sad that often it takes the possibility of losing love to realize how much more were capable of giving a much deeper true love. I wouldn’t wish away my life threatening experience if it meant I had to give up the depth of love and the appreciation of life that I now enjoy because of that experience.

      • Dr. Marta Adelsman on May 29, 2018 9:20 pm

        My husband is gratified by your comments, Salvatore. He feels you hit the nail on the head!

    3. Michael Steele on May 28, 2018 3:29 pm

      Hi Marta,
      Just wanted to let you know that our mutual friends, Bob and Kristen Rothrock, included a copy of your essay “Reflections on Turning 70” in their card for my 70th birthday a couple of weeks ago. It really hit the spot. I enjoy your inspirational musings and clear writing. Thank you so much.
      Michael

      • Dr. Marta Adelsman on May 29, 2018 9:23 pm

        I’m glad you enjoyed the article, Michael! Thanks for your comments!

    4. Susan Amon on May 31, 2018 4:35 pm

      Beautiful, I lost my husband 5 years ago. The love doesn’t end! An that is the amazing thing!

    5. mary helsaple on June 4, 2018 12:03 pm

      I really enjoy your writing. It helps bring me back to center, and encourages me to respect the now.
      I remember the events of my earlier life, being in love, being brave, standing bold, feeling accomplished and confident in my abilities, and perseverance and trust in finding a way through. But the relationship landscape at 69 & 79 certainly looks and feels so much different. The most relevant is Love and Friendship. Bravery, confidence, and our learned abilities take on a whole new meaning at this stage of the game of life. Things happen fast, on a magnitude we least expect. Some of us go quietly into the night with acceptance, but many of us, regardless of preparation, both mental and physical, still get overwhelmed with panic and pace the floors in anticipation and dread. ‘Being ready’, for what we know comes requires maintaining a grasp on our abilities and skills learned. It is a time of assessment, when abilities feel like just so many clouds we cannot fully grasp. We’re still unprepared. Daily priorities, small victories help us through.
      Thanks for the wisdom of the articles, and the comments that encourage us to remain focused on the important things. Perseverance, communication, empathy, devotion, dedication, patience, tolerance and ultimately on all sides, forgiveness and love. We all have fortunes beyond belief.


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