By Tommy Acosta
Sedona, AZ — One of my favorite pastimes, as many of you know, is putting myself in someone else’s shoes and imagining what I would do if I was.
Kinda like asking myself “What would Jesus do” but focusing on politics instead.
So then, what would I do if I was in Trump’s shoes or Biden’s shoes as we begin the journey to the White House?
I am ignoring DeSantis because basically, he is toast. He voted against Social Security and Medicare and people would have to be exceedingly stupid to support someone who would do that.
However, I am assuming for the benefit of this discourse that Trump will not end up in jail before the primaries. If the former president is incarcerated, then I would say with confidence that DeSantis would stand a chance.
Let’s take Trump first.
The most important thing he could be doing is to distance himself from the abortion controversy and the latest perceived Republican move to cut benefits for veterans.
One of the stupidest things they did was stuffing SCOTUS to eliminate Roe vs. Wade. Don’t they realize that Republican women get abortions too? How dumb.
Trump is way too smart and understands this well so if I were him I would find some way to cop out — like I don’t necessarily agree with SCOTUS, and if pressed to the wall I would say abortions should be allowed until the point where a fetus is capable of surviving outside of the womb. I would also allow dispensations for victims of rape or incest.
Further, I would increase benefits for women who choose not to abort, if having a child would be a hardship for them.
Republicans voting to cut benefits for veterans are out of their minds. We are talking about Americans that put their lives on the line for our country. Don’t mess with that.
Even if it’s not true, the perception itself that they would, could bury them.
Again, I would double down and proclaim I would rather drop dead than allow those cuts to happen.
On the legal troubles front I would answer every question with an attack on the Bidens. I would deny everything. Blame the media. Blame the judges and prosecutors. I would blame the Pope if I could get away with it. I would call the pending litigations “An attack on America,” rather than an attack on myself.
I would also ignore the weaker candidates clamoring for a debate. I don’t really have to. I am Trump and the cult voice of our country. I would also change my motto to “Save America.”
I would go on a rampage attacking Biden and always refer to his handlers as the driving force rather than Biden directly.
I would also energize my sycophants on Fox News and urge them to air as much of Biden’s bumblings and stumblings as they can squeeze in their broadcasts.
And, of course, I would brag and brag about all my wonderful accomplishments, even if they are outright lies. I would talk about how I would kick any others country’s ass if they mess with us. My fans love that.
I would also trim down a bit. Trump would look too fat standing next to a tall, trim Biden impersonator.
Now, what would I do if I were Biden?
I would obey my masters. It’s not so much a contest between Trump and Biden as it is a contest between Trump, and Biden’s handlers.
So, let me rephrase the question. What would I do if I was Biden’s chief handler?
I would spend as much time possible making Biden practice walking and not looking like an automaton whose wires were cut. He needs to learn to swing his arms more when he walks. Keeping arms at one’s side when walking is a sign of early Parkinson’s disease. If he has it, it needs to be hidden.
There is no need to risk him being a made a fool of on a national stage, either. Screw the debates. He is the president and that’s that.
Everything has to be meticulously orchestrated because there is a lot of time between now and the election, and his deterioration is intensifying.
I would work with him memorizing and practicing jokes to get people to laugh with him over his perceived confusion. It’s a smart move when he disarms an audience with jokes about old age and his benign dementia.
I would also have him practice for hours reading speeches from teleprompters.
Further, I would have aestheticians work on his face to make him look as young as possible when not using body double. I would also keep him away from children to prevent any future sniffing incidents. Don’t need him having a Dali Lama moment on national TV.
He will also need a nanny that will always be there to help him walk away from the podium and get off the stage safely. Same for getting off of Air Force One. It’s OK to take his time navigating those stairs. He’s old for heaven’s sake. Give him a break.
He also needs to attack Trump for his infidelities, and point out how “un-Christian like, Trump is.
Trump’s indiscretions need to be targeted. He cheats on his women. Make this a point with the evangelicals and Catholics. Trump is a serial fornicator and God doesn’t like that.
He could use quips like “Fornicator-in-chief” when referring to Trump.
I would also have him try to decriminalize marijuana at the federal level. Pot heads would love it. Even if the effort goes up in smoke, it’s the thought that counts.
On the wall and the perceived invasion of America by brown skinned people, he must demonstrate stern compassion, while offering a path to citizenship. He might even dare suggest that able bodied, properly vetted young men coming in be offered a chance to join the military and earn their right to call themselves Americans.
On his legal problems I would have him deny, deny, deny and blame it on the Russians. I would also order the boys at DOJ to stall forever citing national security reasons.
Hmmm. Am I leaving anything out?
Oh yes, Biden supporters on CNN need to get funnier. They are being trounced by Fox News and the jokers that keep the news lively and humorous. CNN needs to lighten up.
Well, that’s it for now. Let’s see if either candidate gets to read this and takes my advice. Good luck to them both. It’s going to be a fun campaign. That’s for sure.
Editor’s Note: This is a political satire piece and does not in any way reflect the opinion of its publisher. LOL
Are you having fun making fun of our elected officials? Do you have any idea how serious this coming election is? There is no room for satire or what you think is satire affecting this election. It’s obvious by your statements that you have absolutely no respect for our government, its laws or traditions. You cynically claim that the candidates have absolutely no morals and would lie, cheat and do anything to manipulate the people. Maybe you would if you were in their shoes. But that is because you are bereft of faith in government and our system.
It’s bad enough so many people are losing their faith in government and you are not making it any better with your sarcasm. The people need to believe in government to be able to maintain our democracy. Your cold-hearted dissection is doing a lot more harm than good. Have a little faith and stop wallowing in your pit of disbelief. Government is good and belief is the glue that holds it together.
Mary Ann Wolf,
Sorry but the majority of our elected officials from day #1 of our National founding have been corrupt in one way or another.
Look at George Santos or whatever his real name is! He doesn’t belong in government and should never have been elected in the first place.
We had Nixon and Watergate (only a small portion of his criminal activity), the Clintons and Whitewater and BJ scandal, the Bush’s and their ties to Noriega, Saddam and the Bin Laden family. Then there was privileged draft dodging Putin loving treasonous insurrectionist Trump who has slandered decorated law enforcement and military officials who have been on the front lines of our Democracy while he had fast food feasts and cheated at his own golf games.
How many Senators and Congressional representatives are worth millions/billions in stocks which they have insider trading information on via the Treasury Department briefings they receive on a daily basis? I’m guessing most if not all of them based on public net worth statements made about them.
So yeah I’d say they not only deserve being labeled for what they are but they should also do time for their crimes!
JB- You may be right about everything you say but it makes no difference. America needs to believe in something, even if it’s a lie. What’s going to happen to this country when 75 percent of our citizens no longer believe in any of our institutions? In government? In religion? In patriotism? In marriage? What’s going to happen when the formerly innocent learn the truth about our dark history with slavery and the elimination and murder of the indigenous people? What happens when we as Americans no longer see us as heroes but as an evil entity eating the world?
When we lose our identity as a nation, other nations with strong patriotism and belief in themselves, will sweep in and destroy us. We are going rotten from the inside out. You and Tommy are not making it any better by casting doubts. Work instead to create something people can believe in again.
It’s difficult to believe in Fairy Tales and nearly every single one of them ends in tragedy anyway. Why pretend? Should we have pretended slavery did not happen? What about the holocaust? Civil War? Vietnam? The list is endless!
To hide one’s head in the sand while our Democracy swiftly erodes seems to be as far from Patriotism as the American war criminals Nixon and Trump Pardoned.
Wouldn’t it be better to admit our mistakes and correct our wrongdoings just as Germany has been forced to accept since WWII?
What insights and perspectives can we gain from exploring the thought-provoking question, “What would Tommy do?”, as discussed in the article on Sedona.biz?
I think the first insight would be that Tommy is an obvious ego-maniac with absolutely no belief or respect for anything, a total cynic who is probably quite proud of his narcissim.
He should be running for office or running campaigns because his lack of moral norms would make him a perfect candidate. But he does make a few good points. Yes, people are stupid and they are easily swayed by whatever belief system they have been taught to believe. Yes, politicians are corrupt and have no problem peddling lies and taking advantage of the voting idiots. Yes, the public is kept divided and blind, while their masters roll in the cash. I think people need to watch the movie “Wag The Dog” as a primer before reading Tommy’s spoutings to better understand what that trouble maker is pontificating. I think he is trying to get people to understand that they are being sold a hill of beans by whatever side they identify with. Or at least get them to ask questions. But I think it simply all boils down to Tommy trying to satisfy his insatiable ego by creating doubt in the sanctity of government.