Absolute surrender, standing by as the glitch in the human mainframe blows itself up. You know the one, the idea that you can control the outcome, can improve your health, your finances, your relationships, that you can invoke or affirm, can listen within and shift reality, can pray something into or out of existence. Yeah, that one.
My life keeps upping the ante, resurrecting those little bits of fragility I thought I’d dealt with. When I try something new, a super supplement, a shift in diet, drops of CBD, it works … for a while … and then it’s like I am playing a game of Chutes and Ladders and find myself sliding back to square one.
I could interpret the slippery ride many ways from, I’m not smart enough to figure it out to I just haven’t found the right combination yet. I’ve been spinning in that last one a while now.
It seems my conditioning is readying this form for a shift — a shift of infinite proportions. 360 degrees doesn’t come close to covering it. Well, at least it feels that big 😉
I have reached the point of utter futility — yay! I am really tired of the game, of pretending like it can be figured out, that there is a way to win. I’ve entered into the Kobayashi Maru of life. For you who are not Star Trek Fans – is there such a thing? — the Kobayashi Maru was a training exercise designed as a no-win scenario by Spock. Of course, Kirk beat it giving rise to the lie that there aren’t any no-win scenarios if you are smart or tricky enough.
A couple years back grace showed me the truth of what this is and the resistance within me fell apart. You’d think that would be the end of it. That’s the story many gurus tell. It wasn’t for me. I still had habitual patterns running, the felt experience of separation pulling my chain, the integration of what I recognized into this physical form to survive.
It wasn’t sweet. It hasn’t been easy. I had a lot of programming to see through. Even though I knew I wasn’t in charge, the wind-up toy hadn’t run down yet. It still did its thing but without the old staying power, the blind obedience. There were a whole lot of insidious habits running my show, habits that once seen, once realized to be mental masturbation, fell apart … but that still required being put into the dissonant experiences to prompt the recognitions — not always comfortable to say the least.
Spiritual bypassing isn’t something other people do. We all do it, albeit unintentionally and mostly unconsciously. It’s ever so much easier to see it in other people than in ourselves. We don’t realize that we are bypassing. It’s an instinctual protective mechanism that doesn’t fall apart all at once and when a bit of it gets tugged loose it is because we have seen the futility in that particular bit. We have seen its lie.
Life shows us the places we are holding back, the intensities of life that we cannot face with an open heart and body. For a while now life has been pointing me towards this moment, this giving up, this letting go, the absolute surrender of will. Surrender gives the wrong impression. It assumes there was something to surrender. Eventually enough evidence builds up that there’s just no point in hanging onto the ill-fitting concept. It is seen to be mere concept even though it appears damn real.
I have never done anything although I experience what appears to be the doing. I perceive what appears to be the results of my action. I feel the effects of the doing.
I have never been anyone although I experience, I feel the precious sensations of a body, the thoughts taken to be a mind, the wonderment of the illusion of form.
I have never met anyone, loved anyone, hurt anyone although I have experienced the tingling dazzling lightshow that is called another. I feel that entanglement, the connections on fire.
I have never lived in the world although I have perceived the beauty, have felt the amazement, have sensed the trees and birds, the earth and sky and stood in awe.
I am not the doer. I am done. I am not the experiencer. I am experiencing.
There is no other, no world. There is a magnificent magical mysterious illusion, fractalized light displaying as other, as world.
There is nothing to surrender and no one to do it. This perpetual motion machine is signing off.
Funny, it doesn’t mean that all doing stops. It simply means that identified doing stops. I’m not the doer. If in this form’s story, doing is to occur, occur it will. Feeling into the depths and heights cannot help but arise in the face of no resistance. How could it not? This I am is nothing other than elemental experiencing.
There is no appropriate bio for Amaya Gayle. She doesn’t exist other than as an expression of Consciousness Itself. Talking about her in biographical terms is a disservice to the truth and to anyone who might be led to believe in such nonsense. None of us exist, not in the way we think. It’s actually much better than we can imagine. Ideas spring into words. Words flow onto paper and yet no one writes them. They simply appear fully formed. Looking at her you would swear this is a lie. She’s there after all, but honestly, she’s not … and she is. Love a paradox and life is nothing, if not paradoxical. Bios normally wax on about accomplishments and beliefs, happenings in time and space. She has never accomplished anything, has no beliefs and like you was never born and will never die. Engage with Amaya at your own risk.