Political Satire by Tommy Acosta
My friend Gerry asked what I would do if I were Bernie Sanders.
I was intrigued. What would I do? What would my platform be if I were Bernie?
Hmm? Ok. Here we go.
If I were Bernie Sanders the first thing I would do is commission a 24-hour round-the-clock hairdresser to keep my hair in place so I don’t look like a crazy person.
I would also get some Botox to take off a few years. Hiring the best tailor money can buy would also be a plus. Drop the rumpled old-man look. Especially the way the collar comes up in the back when he hunches.
Next, I would refurbish the “secure the border” slogan focusing on the word “secure” and apply it to my own platform in a simple, easy to grasp manner that would appeal to voters regardless of their intellect or persuasion.
- Secure the sanctity of our electoral process. This would get me the votes of those who still believe in the process and feel it is their patriotic duty to protect it from the Russians, etc. I would mercilessly go after those heartless communists that are still trying to subvert us. That’s what putting America first is truly about.
- Secure our Social Security. This would get me the old farts’ vote and those who rely on it for survival.
- Secure Medicare. More votes from the senility sector.
- Secure the health of our nation. I would push for taxpayer-funded universal healthcare for all, while leaving present insurance companies in place to provide choice. That would get me the votes of the uninsured of which I am sure there are plenty. Notice I used the phrase “tax-payer funded.” I would never use the word “free” because it reeks of socialism and nothing is free.
- Secure competitive access to medication/prescription drugs. Right from Jump Street I would allow pharmaceutical competition from other countries in to free voters from the tyranny of the prescription drug lobby. That would get me the votes of the prescription people.
- Secure the education of our youth and our future. I would push for taxpayer-funded higher education for all. That would get me the college student vote. Also, I would find a way of forgiving student loans or at least lowering the rates on a sliding scale. That would get me the votes of the millions of young people struggling under the yoke.
- Secure women’s reproductive rights. That would get me the vote of millions of women who have the right of dominion over their own bodies. I would also call for programs that would help single mothers go full term with financial help and incentives. Pro-lifers can contribute much towards this end through a national “save a baby’s life” donation program.
- Secure the environment. In my first day in office I would roll back every executive decision made by the present administration against the environment, back to where we were before they came into power. That would get me the tree -hugger vote.
- Secure our energy resources. I would launch a massive government and private-entity funded effort to develop competitive renewable energy sources that would allow us to eventually lower our dependence on carbon-based fossil fuels. That would get me the global warming crowd’s votes and those who simply want to lower their energy bills. Also, I would give people a choice on which type of energy to use, fossil or otherwise.
- Secure our borders. Not by building fences but by building state-of-the-art processing centers to help those seeking a better future in our nation assimilate into our society and weed out the criminals before they get in. Further, I would tax immigrants at a higher rate and forbid them to send any money they make in our country, back home. Young immigrants would also have to serve in the military in order to achieve citizen status.
- Secure our nation’s military. I would redirect funds from buying expendable hardware to developing a weapons system so powerful no other nation on this planet would dare mess with us. Picture a buff Star Wars system even Darth Vader would fear. Once we have that weapon, we can divert funds from making bombs to providing medical care and higher education for our citizens.
- Secure racial equality and a fair and equitable level of wealth for the middle and lower classes. Jobs. Jobs. Jobs for all in the development of renewable energy platforms and putting our nation’s infrastructure back together.
- Secure quality health care for our veterans. These brave men and women used for war deserve the best we can provide for them. Every veteran should be issued a medical card that would allow them treatment in any hospital or by any doctor to be re-imbersed by the government. Stop the suicides!
- Stop taxing the rich more because they make more. Flat tax for everyone. Households making under $40,00o that are barely surviving get a lesser rate.
- Legalize Marijuana. That’s one of the first things I would do as well. Allow medical research nationally. No more Schedule 1 Drug classification. That would get me the “toker” vote.
- Practice getting mad. I would need to hone my “getting pissed” skills without raising my blood pressure when debating my opponent. People love passionate people. Remember what Bruce Lee said. “When delivering a punch, make sure it is powered by “emotional content.”
- Peace in the Mid East. The situation in the Mid East as it stands is a carefully-balanced and crafted enterprise where a lot of people are making a lot of money from the conflicts, which not only consume gazillions of dollars in military hardware but also keep the warring nations in perpetual battle and unable to ever unify to pose a real threat to the West. I would need to be in office for a few months to get the lay of the land and figure a way war-machine investors can still make money without so many people having to be killed.
Now, we are going to need some really good one-liners. Can’t let my opponent beat me to the punch lines.
If someone says Bernie’s trillion-dollar Medicare for all idea can’t work because the figures and numbers prove it, I would reply, “Fake math!”
I would add to my quiver “If Trump can divert billions of dollars from the military to pay for his wall, I can divert the same to ensure the health of our nation.”
And then there’s “If it’s good enough for France, Germany, England, Switzerland, Denmark, China Russia and almost every civilized country on earth, it’s good enough for us.”
To the gun lobby I would say, “I think every American citizen has the right to own a gun. Except criminals, mentally deranged individuals, drug dealers and violent offenders.”
Then there is dealing with the stigma of socialism.
I would change the phrase “Democratic Socialism” to “Compassionate Capitalism.”
Compassionate Capitalism — where corporations can happily contribute, through taxes or deductible donations, to providing health care for every single American citizen, higher education for the youth of our country and a decent wage for workers.
Have I forgotten anything?
I would tap the Parkland shooting survivor/activists as speakers at my rallies along with climate activist Gretta Thunberg and of course Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
This platform would get us the senior vote, the patriot vote, the veteran’s vote, the vote of the sick; the youth vote, the women’s vote, the pothead vote, the tree hugger vote; the anti-global warming crowd’s vote and the working man’s vote.
That’s it Gerry.
That’s what I would do if I were Bernie.
Mr. Acosta, I think you are crazier than Bernie Sanders. Trump can’t be defeated.He is the greatest president in the history of the world. He is a true leader and we will follow him without question. He has unified our country and made us the most powerful and richest nation in the world. He is the hope of the future and anyone who opposes him should pack up their bags and leave the country forever. Idiotic Liberals are trying to stop him but they will all lose in the end. And we should get rid of all the Liberals in Congress and give our President the right to decide whatever he thinks is best for the country without congressional approval or oversight. We as Americans must trust him completely to do the right thing for all of us. It’s obvious God is working through him. Trump 2020! USA all the way!
Trust him implicitly and completely without oversight? God is working thru him?
1. Whatever happened to the separation of church and state, the founding principle of our country?
2. Is this the United States of America (a Democratic Republic who elects a president based on the will of the people – ALL the people)
or the Banana Republic of America with an emperor for life?
Because if we do what you want there goes our democracy.
I’m not for or against anyone in particular, I just question your
willingness to throw our Constitution in the toilet and flush.
I’d love to see your face when the shoe is on the other foot and the ‘Idiotic Liberals’ get someone in office whom they declare should be followed unconditionally as they were ‘appointed by god’.
(Hopefully your enthusiastic shredding of the Constitution won’t come about so you will never have to go through it.)
Trump is not a religion. He is the savior of our country. He is the only one who can unify us. He will bring peace to the world. He is a true leader. Liberals hate him because he always tells the truth. Other countries hate him because he is more powerful than they are and he stands up for America. He is a moral and religious man who holds the highest ethical standards. He is the perfect President and leader. The Constitution was OK back then but now we need a new order to save our country. Trump needs his hands untied. Congress should be there to support him in everything he does. You are wrong Ms. Sands. Donald Trump is our best hope for the future.
Mister O’Leary you are to be admired for the courage of expressing your political inclinations in such a precise manner. They are far more right of mine and most of my conservative Republican friends. But good to know we are not all on the same page and Americans too.
It’s satire guys as stated in the byline. And quite funny.
Thanks Tommy for the perspective.
Thanks Mike for the open mind. Satire is the unmasker of the hidden.
If Bernie gets the DNC nod to carry the banner, it will be an election like we have never see before.
I fully expect the dark element in Democratic Party to pull every stop out to derail him.
Bernie may be considered crazy by some but he comes from the heart and that in itself poses a threat to those behind the curtain.
I thought it was pretty funny 🙂
What no one is getting is that the platform Tommy created is dangerous even if it’s cloaked as political satire. Suppose it gets to Sanders? If he adopts it there is a very good chance he could defeat the President by following it. It’s a solid platform regardless of the humor. Conservatives need be aware that this election will be the toughest and most important election in the history of our country. We, as Conservatives, cannot let the other side win. The author is sending a message to Liberals that their candidate can fully exploit. Yes, it’s funny but at the same time packs some serious stuff. Think about what “Compassionate Capitalism” really means.
I agree with you Ann. That is the beauty of satire. It brings out a lot of truth. We take Bernie lightly at our peril. More than Bernie, I worry about the ill informed and mis-informed people who would actually vote for someone who would compromise our liberty and freedoms. The same people who seem to hate big business seem to think big government is just fine. Those who feel government can do no wrong do not know world history.
To the Editor:
It’s Now or Never
Truth be said Mr. Acosta, most of your planks are basically in the Sanders platform. However, the paramount issue, if you were Bernie Sanders, should not be policy. It should be math. The number 1,991 to be exact. That’s the number of delegates needed to be nominated as the Democratic Party’s candidate for President and Vice President of the United States.
The Democratic Convention will be held from July 13 – 16, 2020 at the Fiserv Forum in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. There was a big pissing match four years ago between the Establishment Democrats and the Sanders Rebellion. It was the Clinton Machine against Robin Hood Sanders.
The Machine rolled over Sanders, but he got one rule change. The change prevents “super-delegates” or “automatic delegates” to vote on the first ballot for a candidate with majority support. Automatic delegates include all congressional democrats in the 238 seat House, 48 democratic seats in the Senate, 28 Democratic Governors, 438 delegates from the Democratic National Committee, 30 Distinguished Party Leaders, and the so on.
There are approximately 771 super delegates. Unlike duly elected delegates from the primary, super delegates are “unpledged delegates” and can make or break a majority in a contested convention. Unpledged delegates constitute over 16% of overall convention votes, 4,750.
In 2016, 20,000 intercepted e-mails showed that the Democratic National Committee worked against Sanders and supported Clinton. The DNC is supposed to be neutral. It was not then and the Sanders people expect no better treatment in 2020.
This year, establishment democrats (life-long politicians), have worked to make Joe Biden their candidate for President.
After all, like Joe Biden, establishment sons and daughters take advantage of lucrative employment deals, everyone eats and travels at no personal cost and seasoned politicians listen to interesting information from Wall Street lobbyists. In short, these perpetual politicians live a very comfortable life serving the same Masters that bankroll the Republican down the Hall. Some started as teachers and are now very well to do.
Sanders seeks to upset the apple cart. 1,991 votes are needed. Loosely speaking, after Super Tuesday, the delegate tally looks like:
Presuming Warren votes will go to Sanders the next two months of the primaries will serve as a Muhammad Ali heavyweight fight. Whether Joe Biden will appear as Frazier or Archie Moore is a question for everyone. Bernie’s win in California suggests he can take the big union towns in New York, Illinois, Pennsylvania and Florida.
If unions become part of the “Revolution” Biden will go down like Moore in Four. If Biden is the moderate choice, or if Bernie cannot make some of the so-called moderates pull away from the political democratic mafia, Bernie will be a two time loser and will become irrelevant.
Up ahead in March 2020, are primaries in Michigan (125), Missouri (68), Washington (89), Arizona (67), Florida (219), Illinois (155), Ohio (136), Georgia (105) and smaller states. In April, we have Louisiana (50), Wisconsin (77), Pennsylvania, New York (224) and smaller states. In May, we have Kansas (33), Kentucky (46), Oregon (52) and smaller states. In June we have New Jersey (107) and smaller states.
The plan of the Democratic establishment is to win at least 55% of the pledged delegates for their boy: Joe Biden and concede 45% to Bernie Sanders. This is what happened in 2016 with Hillary and Bernie. They predict Bernie will lose but will get on board the train again. That’s the goal.
To this end, Pete, Amy and Mike were told to clear the decks and they have all abruptly suspended their campaigns and endorsed good old Joe Biden. If Bernie is beaten with a first ballot Biden nomination he will have nothing to complain about. Yes, his delegates can broker some rule changes but none of that will matter.
Now the Republicans and the Sanders campaign have common competition – Joe Biden and the Oligarchs that support the Biden candidacy. The best thing Joe Biden has going for him is that he served for 8 years as Barack Obama’s Vice President. Still despite this invaluable relationship, Joe Biden has moments on television where all can see he is lost and out of touch with reality.
It is obvious that Joe Biden is a lightweight next to Obama. Joe can be his own worst enemy. The Republicans, by Election Day, will argue the Democratic Leadership use their elected offices to get lucrative jobs for their family and friends. It’s a way of life. There may be hearings arguing that the Biden, Pelosi, Kerry children and others, are given seats on foreign corporations and receive millions of dollars in underserved contracts.
That is, the Establishment Democrats, like Joe Biden, are no different than Trump when it comes to using the office for personal gain. Trump will continue to argue that central cities led by career democratic politicians have perpetuated generations of poverty and decay for people of color. Trump often says that the democrats take the Black vote for granted and you never hear from democratic politicians until election time.
At the same time, Bernie has suggested the Establishment Democrats are the same as the Republicans. Bernie will argue that Joe Biden is being bank rolled by corporations who protect Big Pharm, Fossil Energy, the Military-Industrial Complex and other interests of the 1%. Bernie will call for a clean sweep, ultimately sounding like a Third Party Candidate.
Bernie generates money from the people. He does not rely on the Democratic Party. Bernie is looking at 1,991. He won California. He can hit 1,991 if the unions abandon Joe Biden and make history by supporting Bernie Sanders. He will need the Warren votes, super delegates like AOC and other progressives who are ready to give the finger to establishment don’t-rock-the-boat politicians.
Bernie will have to win his delegates by way of the primaries and caucuses. His chances for success are guarded, as the media, millionaires and the Democratic National Committee will do all they can to tally 1,991 votes on the first round. This will silence the Sanders rebels. They lost fair and square.
If Joe Biden is declared the Democratic Candidate for President of the United States, we will have to pray that Trump does not bitch-slap him around like he abused around Jeb Bush.
Just one more embarrassing senior moment may be enough for Joe to bury himself. For Bernie to win, he will need to slap Joe Biden around the way Muhammad Ali beat up Old Archie Moore. Quickly and in an overwhelming way that leaves no doubt who the champion should be and who is better suited to take the crown off of Donald Trump.
It’s now or never for the Sanders Revolution.
With the Revolution
Pretty in depth analysis. A lot of thought. Interesting the conversations that have developed basef on a satirical article.
The only thing I would challenge is:
“That is, the Establishment Democrats, like Joe Biden, are no different than Trump when it comes to using the office for personal gain.”
Joe Biden and Sanders have used government all their lives for personal gain. From Biden’s family with their deals in all kinds of government projects and government influence to Sander’s never ending government paychecks. I’m not sure how Trump is using the office for personal gain. Gives his paycheck to charities and recently to help fight the Coronavirus. He was wealthy and successful and having fun before he became President.
And if you look at Trump interviews from 30+ years ago, like the one on Letterman:
The man has not changed his views or opinions, unlike every other politician on the planet.
Not sure what “personal gain” he is gaining; gave up a great life to be brutalized by the media and the Democrats.
But let’s really get serious; Biden is weak, and the career politicians in BOTH parties who want business as usual know that they can prop Biden up and tell him what to say and do, so their party (not political party) will not be spoiled so they will be able to do business as usual, which is not the people’s business. They hate Trump because he isn’t playing by THEIR rules. And people who don’t NEED the bennies from political office disrupt the norm. We have a disruptor in chief.
Trump is the bull in their (both establishment wings of both Parties) china shop and they hate him for it.
The people love it.
Bernie is an admitted Socialist and scares the hell out of both parties (and should), and wall street. You saw the market today when Joe became the front runner. Biden or Trump. Market doesn’t care. But the people who love freedom and liberty better care on November 3rd no matter who the Democrats throw on the ballot.
Come have a conversation with sitting US Arizona CD4 Representative Debbie Lesko and meet the candidate for Arizona CD 1 Tiffany Shedd this Saturday, right here in Sedona.
Now THIS would be a platform I could support!