Many years ago when I volunteered at the prison I was talking to the men about the present moment. Even as the words came out of my mouth, I knew that something was off, something very important. For years, the present moment had been offered up as the golden talisman, a charm that once fully grasped would open the doors to life’s mysteries. Some still speak of it that way not realizing the fallacy and harm of what they do.
That day, I squirmed inside because I knew I was missing the point and if I was missing it, I had no chance of sharing it in any meaningful way with that wonderful group of guys.
Even as I was talking I was aware that my words were inaccurate, that they pointed to a place that was achievable, to something that one can do, something that reinforced the game. It was a path that took them deeper into the mire instead of freeing them from it.
But perhaps that’s the point. All roads lead to the recognition that there is no escape.
That was the day my world truly began to implode. It was a slow-motion collapse that took the next several years to exert its full thrust. It seems that change, implosions of belief, the disintegration of will aren’t a one and done sort of thing, but you know that already. Sometimes though, we need to hear it written in all caps.
I could speak of now, for many, a mere synonym for the present moment, and you might think I’m talking about a moment in time, or a place in space where you experience now. You might even think I point to an emotion, or sensation, and you wouldn’t be wrong, and yet, you wouldn’t be right either. When I speak of now it is only a pointer, a beckoning finger asking you to open and feel, to open and sense, to open and let go of what you think you know.
I could say the word now points to awareness, but even that would most likely be misunderstood. It’s not my awareness I point to but simple basic awareness, not many personal versions of awareness, but this that was never two, that could never be chopped into little pieces, or develop within a mind.
You and I see the world through shared awareness, the one and only consciousness. We sense all aspects of life as and through the one holy portal, the one that is not two, this that is not just shared but is us, and like a prism splitting the light, we see our own colors in the spectrum based on our conditioning. It’s why we agree on a world, a cosmos, the color of the sky, and still see the world uniquely.
Even the word awareness is but a weak and inadequate hint … and every hint points to but one reality … we simply can’t know. Everything circles round and when explored with an open mind and heart, points back to the absolute inability of anything to be accurately spoken of, or to be written of with integrity. There is always another layer, and another, infinite regressions, no bottom to be found.
I love living in and as a mystery. It is a great delight, a source of constant amazement and laughter. It breaks this heart wide open and then redefines the meaning of broken open, again and again.
Where else could I love so deeply that I am simply devastated when a beloved expression of it ends, and learn to celebrate the devastation, to open wider, wider still.
Amidst the unknowable, perhaps because of it, I laugh. I cry. I ache. I drop to my knees in awe. I frown. I clown. I walk a path filled with the incredible variations of life. I love. I live.
No knowing, not being able to know is freedom. There is no answer and there is no escape.
There is no appropriate bio for Amaya Gayle. She doesn’t exist other than as an expression of Consciousness Itself. Talking about her in biographical terms is a disservice to the truth and to anyone who might be led to believe in such nonsense. None of us exist, not in the way we think. Ideas spring into words. Words flow onto paper and yet no one writes them. They simply appear fully formed. Looking at her you would swear this is a lie. She’s there after all, but honestly, she’s not. Bios normally wax on about accomplishments and beliefs, happenings in time and space. She has never accomplished anything, has no beliefs and like you was never born and will never die. Engage with Amaya at your own risk.
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