Sedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde ValleySedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde Valley
    Sedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde Valley Sedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde Valley
    • Home
    • Sedona
      • Arts and Entertainment
      • Bear Howard Chronicles
      • Business Profiles
      • City of Sedona
      • Elections
      • Goodies & Freebies
      • Mind & Body
      • Sedona News
    • Opinion
    • Real Estate
    • About
    • The Sedonan
    • Advertise
    • Sedona’s Best
    Sedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde ValleySedona.Biz – The Voice of Sedona and The Verde Valley
    Home»Sedona News»Tell Me More: A New Paradigm
    Sedona News

    Tell Me More: A New Paradigm

    December 19, 20181 Comment
    Facebook Twitter Pinterest LinkedIn Email Reddit WhatsApp
    Share
    Facebook Twitter LinkedIn Pinterest Email Reddit WhatsApp

    By Dr. Marta Adelsman
    Life Coach in Communication and Consciousness
    www.DrMartaCoach.com
    (December 19, 2018)

    photo_martaadelsman2x144Ben loved his Uncle Jim.

    Ben didn’t know of any other family as diverse as his when it came to religion and politics. Yet Uncle Jim had a way of calming the heated conversations that occurred in the family each year during holiday activities.

    In discussions that would derail most family interactions, Ben marveled at how his uncle engaged in them with ease. He would listen to others’ opinions (even Aunt Lila’s), and even though those opinions were miles apart from his own, he would often say three words: “Tell me more.” Then he would continue to listen.

    Uncle Jim was no pansy. Family members knew exactly where he stood. Yet he never made anyone else’s viewpoint wrong. Instead of trying to change Aunt Lila or Ben’s parents’ minds, Uncle Jim would approach them with curiosity about how they thought and felt. He never seemed threatened by the differences between them.

    Aunt Lila, on the other hand, often pitted herself against family members whose opinions differed from hers. She would argue and try to make others look at things from her perspective. Aunt Lila knew she was right. She had a reputation in the family: here comes Lila with her dukes up!

    In his martial arts class, Ben had just learned the principle of moving with your opponent. It created a surprise element that threw the opponent off balance. Ben noticed how Aunt Lila’s resistance to others created tension and a sense of “againstness,” while Uncle Jim’s tell-me-more approach reminded Ben of this martial arts principle.

    Sedona Gift Shop

    Ben asked his uncle why he engaged with people this way.  Jim told him how he had deliberately cultivated a sense of curiosity about how and why other people hold the beliefs they do. “My way is not the only right way,” Uncle Jim had told him. “Other people feel just as ‘right’ as I do, and I can respect that. I don’t need to make them wrong or convince them of anything.”

    Uncle Jim had gone on to say, “If I set myself against them, they only feel me as a wall. And what do people do with walls? They want to bust through them, break them down. It only makes them more set in their opinions.”

    “I’d rather be a bridge,” Uncle Jim told Ben. “If I ask questions and really listen, people are going to hear themselves instead of the opinions of an old man. If I’m open to them, who knows? They may go away from the conversation more open, too.”

    “No wonder everyone loves Uncle Jim,” Ben thought. Secure in his own viewpoint, Uncle Jim didn’t feel threatened by other peoples’ attempts to change his mind.  Out of genuine curiosity, he wanted to know why they felt the way they did. Hence his phrase, “Tell me more.”

    Ben remembered something he had read in a blog last week about either-or thinking. He realized Uncle Jim stays out of either-or.  Instead, he talks a both-and language. When people approach him with attitudes full of clenched fists, Uncle Jim’s both-and paradigm disarms them. When they take a swipe, they encounter nothing but a loving, open space.

    Winning an argument isn’t the issue, thought Ben. What really counts, in the end, is love.

    Healing Paws

    This is an advertisement

    1 Comment

    1. Christine Adams on December 24, 2018 9:48 am

      This is so beautiful Marta —-
      Thank you for a story of this nature during these critical times —-

      Many blessings —

    One Bullet Away

    There’s a storm cloud coiling over America, and most don’t see it yet. But it’s there. Dark. Imminent. Unavoidable. Call it fate, call it consequence—but don’t call it fiction. The divide is real. And it’s calcifying by the hour.

    Read more→

    The Sedonan
    House of Seven Arches
    Need More Customers?
    Bear Howard Chronicles
    Humankind
    Tlaquepaque
    Verde Valley Wine Trail
    Recent Comments
    • TJ Hall on BEAR HOWARD | SPECIAL TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC:”Drowned by Design: How Trump’s War on Government Turns Natural Disasters Into National Tragedies”
    • Jill Dougherty on BEAR HOWARD | SPECIAL TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC:”Drowned by Design: How Trump’s War on Government Turns Natural Disasters Into National Tragedies”
    • Patti Sadowski on The Humane Society of Sedona Maintained No Kill Status in 2024
    • JB on One Bullet Away
    • Dani Lewis on The Humane Society of Sedona Maintained No Kill Status in 2024
    • JB on The Attics of Conscience — What Could Soon Happen in Sedona and Across America
    • TJ Hall on One Bullet Away
    • TJ Hall on One Bullet Away
    • Jill Dougherty on One Bullet Away
    • JB on One Bullet Away
    • Bill Blue on One Bullet Away
    • JB on One Bullet Away
    • West Sedona Dave on One Bullet Away
    • JB on BEAR HOWARD | SPECIAL TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC:”Drowned by Design: How Trump’s War on Government Turns Natural Disasters Into National Tragedies”
    • JB on One Bullet Away
    Archives
    The Sedonan
    © 2025 All rights reserved. Sedona.biz.

    Type above and press Enter to search. Press Esc to cancel.